Right, this is the last I will mention it but I thoroughly enjoyed my wee break in Tunisia there. Granted it wouldn't be everyones cuppa tea but if, like me, you are after an actual 'sit on yer fat lazy arse either by the pool or on the beach, sunning yersel while doing hee haw else but drink copious amounts of free wine and beer in between eating shite all day type of break', then this is the holiday for you.As I spent so much time doing just this, it gave me a lot of time to think.
Maybe too much time to think.
Anyway, here's my 10 point plan of things I noticed about holidays:-
1. The body beautiful
We are always hearing how we as a nation are being bombarded by images of skinny, waif like models and pictures of thinned down celebs and how it is bad for our young people in society to want to aspire to be this skinny.
Well it's a lot of bollocks and is clearly not the message that is getting through at all because all the beautiful bodies and figures on holiday are from other european countries whereas you can spot the fat, ugly, burger munching brit on holiday a fucking mile away.
2. Foreign breakfast
Why is it that an egg in a different country doesn't taste like an egg from at home?
Surely to god the inside of a chickens arse cant differ so greatly from country to country? Even bacon abroad just doesn't taste or look right. The pigs abroad must be some funny looking bastards if the boney bacon you get from them is anything to go by.
Now that I think about it, why don't eggs taste anything like chicken?
It's one of those things I will never understand.
3. The male fashion gene
Guys that wear speedo style swimming trunks and a T-shirt (making it look like they are wearing just a T-shirt) should really be told that it's just not on. It never has been nor never will be a good look. It's simply unacceptable.
4. Communists
This is a weird one. I guess due to the fall of communism, the european travel scene, once a pipe dream to your average Russian, is now a very real option. There was hundreds of them in our resort but don't get me wrong - its' better than a hotel full of drunken english fannies!
The thing is though, they take the funniest holiday snaps. Every single photo is like a glamour shot for a portfolio. Proper sensual posing incorporated into everything they photograph ie pool, bar, stools, bushes etc
Honestly, it's hard to imagine without seeing but maybe this will help:
Average woman on holiday posing by a tree
http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/589/russia1.jpg
Russian woman on holiday posing by a tree
http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/1260/russia2q.jpg
5. The Macarena is just the slosh
In a nutshell,.... total fucking embaressment.
6. Foreign tramps
You'll notice on holiday, even in really poor countries that the jaikeys aren't drunk.
They'll just sit there in the street happily begging all day but they dont feel the need, if they get any money, to spend it instantly on cider or strong lager. I think it may be due to the heat cos it knocked my pan in drinking in the sun but I was fairly impressed with how sober they all were.
Brittish tramps could learn a thing or two from their foreign counterparts.
Hats off a wee bit to yer foreign tramps.
7. Pool aerobics
The everyday holiday entertainment that big fat old people use as some sort of soul cleanser and feel that this allows them to pig out when it comes to dinner time cos they done some exercise during the day. Anyway, the banality of pool and poolside aerobics can be made a whole lot more interesting by donning your ipod and playing different music along to it. As long as the tempo is roughly the same it can be quite an amusing way to pass a half hour of the day.
My preference was to imagine these old dears enjoying a bit of quality techno:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlQwwh8P_14
Maybe too much time to think.
Anyway, here's my 10 point plan of things I noticed about holidays:-
1. The body beautiful
We are always hearing how we as a nation are being bombarded by images of skinny, waif like models and pictures of thinned down celebs and how it is bad for our young people in society to want to aspire to be this skinny.
Well it's a lot of bollocks and is clearly not the message that is getting through at all because all the beautiful bodies and figures on holiday are from other european countries whereas you can spot the fat, ugly, burger munching brit on holiday a fucking mile away.
2. Foreign breakfast
Why is it that an egg in a different country doesn't taste like an egg from at home?
Surely to god the inside of a chickens arse cant differ so greatly from country to country? Even bacon abroad just doesn't taste or look right. The pigs abroad must be some funny looking bastards if the boney bacon you get from them is anything to go by.
Now that I think about it, why don't eggs taste anything like chicken?
It's one of those things I will never understand.
3. The male fashion gene
Guys that wear speedo style swimming trunks and a T-shirt (making it look like they are wearing just a T-shirt) should really be told that it's just not on. It never has been nor never will be a good look. It's simply unacceptable.
4. Communists
This is a weird one. I guess due to the fall of communism, the european travel scene, once a pipe dream to your average Russian, is now a very real option. There was hundreds of them in our resort but don't get me wrong - its' better than a hotel full of drunken english fannies!
The thing is though, they take the funniest holiday snaps. Every single photo is like a glamour shot for a portfolio. Proper sensual posing incorporated into everything they photograph ie pool, bar, stools, bushes etc
Honestly, it's hard to imagine without seeing but maybe this will help:
Average woman on holiday posing by a tree
http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/589/russia1.jpg
Russian woman on holiday posing by a tree
http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/1260/russia2q.jpg
5. The Macarena is just the slosh
In a nutshell,.... total fucking embaressment.
6. Foreign tramps
You'll notice on holiday, even in really poor countries that the jaikeys aren't drunk.
They'll just sit there in the street happily begging all day but they dont feel the need, if they get any money, to spend it instantly on cider or strong lager. I think it may be due to the heat cos it knocked my pan in drinking in the sun but I was fairly impressed with how sober they all were.
Brittish tramps could learn a thing or two from their foreign counterparts.
Hats off a wee bit to yer foreign tramps.
7. Pool aerobics
The everyday holiday entertainment that big fat old people use as some sort of soul cleanser and feel that this allows them to pig out when it comes to dinner time cos they done some exercise during the day. Anyway, the banality of pool and poolside aerobics can be made a whole lot more interesting by donning your ipod and playing different music along to it. As long as the tempo is roughly the same it can be quite an amusing way to pass a half hour of the day.
My preference was to imagine these old dears enjoying a bit of quality techno:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlQwwh8P_14
8. BBC World News
What is it in the mentality of the heads of broadcast at the BBC that make them think that when I am away from home wether at work or play and am as far from getting a hold of a newspaper as is humanly possible, when I want to watch the news, I don't want to know what is going on at home but am suddenly overcome with a real urge to hear of the plight of cotton farmers in Indonesia and have a vested interest in the temperature in Sierra Leone?
9. Aeroplanes
What's with applauding when the plane lands?
Seriously what is that all about?
Ever since 9/11 people have been clapping when their plane touches down but why?
Do these people applaud the taxi driver when he gets them home?
No. Do they fuck so stop clapping when the plane lands. It's totally ridicululous, the pilot can't fucking hear you and it gets right on my tits.
Infact when we got on the plane there were people on our seats who looked at me like I was mental when I told them. What sort of imbecile cant understand a seating system that basically comprises of a number followed by a letter?
The sort of imbecile that claps when the plane lands that's who!
10. Moaners
Some folk are not happy unless they are unhappy.
If your just gonna moan that you don't like the food or the drink or the heat or whatever then do yourself and me a favour and don't fucking go! Stay at home and eat your sausage, beans and chips and smoke your Kensitas club and drink your WKDs and don't ruin everyone elses holiday for them by being a moaning faced bastard for the whole week..
Cunts.
We move on.
5 comments:
I see the poor Russian lady draped around a tree seems to have had one of her feet chopped off...
Thats a common occurence with these russian beauties
Actually, see now youve said that, doesnt her left leg look like an arm with a hand at the end an everything?
Bogging int she?
Well hello! I am back on your wonderfull blog... I to have just been on holiday! 7 days in dubai! gosh i love that place...
I saw your list and I wish to comment...
1. Where you were prob there was no hot skinny burds... where i was nothing but hot skinny burds !
and then the comment re the russian posing ! OMGZZZZ totallyyyy when we were down the water park there was a russian couple and thts all they done !! walked about the water park taking pics !! not ridin on anything !
so yes. that is all
i could have made this funny but im to jet lagged or something
Aye but were the hot skinny birds you refer to British?
I think not.
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