Fe-mail

I opened my inbox today to this gem :

Hello! My name is Natalya.
What is your name?
I hope you don't mind me writing you. And I hope I didn't bother you with my email. Some more about me: I am young and modern lady. They say that I have a nice figure and pretty appearance. The reason why I am emailing to you is that I am seeking for a man and a lifetime partner. I am loving, caring, devoted, responsible woman. I would like my man to be responsible, loving and caring as well. I want him to decided to me in any problem and from my hand I would do the same. If you are interested please reply me back. I would be very flatterred.
I will reply to you as soon as I can. Also I shall send my picture.
Please mail me back only at: marllkjk@gmail.com

Inevitably, as with any of these mails, I replied with the classic and timeless "fuck off!" but Im intrigued by what kind of person would even bother their arse sending me this sort of shite.

What's in it for them?

What's in it for me?

How did they get my fucking address?

Will I be in next months Take-a-break magazine in a 2 page story entitled 'Email lover left me lootless"?

Is there a relatively attractive girl in a plain and harmless sort of way called Natalya out there "seeking for a man and a lifetime partner" or is it some big mad scam that will infect my computer with aids should I dare to investigate?

You decide!

You have all the same info in front of you that I had.

The ball is firmly in your court.

Make a choice.

Do you fancy living life on the edge, throwing caution to the wind and taking a crazy chance or risk living the rest of your lonely life thinking "Natalya - what if?"

I implore you to send something by way of a reply to that address.

Surely you must have some burning questions to ask now?

Either that or just send a fuck off like I did!

My favourite christmas song......

....performed to perfection.

A set of pans

Location:
Siverburn shopping centre
Gents toilet facilities

So talk me through this one. A cubicle with 2 toilets in it?
Who the hell is that for?
Its not for the disabled as there is already is a disabled toilet there.
It cant be for 2 guys to use as thats just fucking wrong!
I used it but must admit I felt the second bowl was a bit of a waste of space however throughout, I just kept staring at it quizically.
Surely there not suggesting its for men with kids so that they can go at the same time as their kid?!?!?!
You've got to be fucking kidding me on?
Surely? Tell me that's not it. Please!

Happy Christmas

I hope everyone had a good christmas and got what they wanted.

I did. I was well chuffed.

However, as always, my secret santa left me slightly underwhelmed.

Still it will save me buying someone a gift when it's their birthday.

Cannae help thinking that's missing the point somewhat but it's the hand I've been dealt.

Brace yourself Ebay, theres some shit coming your way.

Christmas customs

Karen and I were in Paris at the weekend to celebrate her birthday.
(Pictures to follow)
Anyway, on our way home coming through passport control at Glasgow last night, a young middle eastern looking family where waiting at the "other passports" queue when their 2 year old son decided to go for a wee run (as two year olds do) away from his mum and at full pelt, bolted right through passport control and away down the corridor. There was slight concern on the faces of the staff and other passengers as the fear ridden mother made a dash through passport control without stopping to retrieve her son, but after the gasps and fleeting tension was over there were laughs and smiles all round that reflected a kinda "kids eh?" feel to the whole thing.
Had we been in Palestine for example, that kid would have been gunned down dead where he stood. No questions asked.
Happy Christmas.

FAIL!

Its your last chance ever to hurt the guy you most want to hurt in the world for what he has done to you and your people. You are handed one last shot at it when he is put in a room with you and a select few others. His guard is down. Security is low. He suspects nothing. He's 10 feet away from you. This is it. Your one shot at glory.
What do you do?
I'll tell you what you don't do......
You dont jump up, clumsily take off your shoes, mumbling loudly some incoherent shite or other about good riddance which only succeeds in alerting your target to the incoming threat which infact turns out to be two girl-like throws straight at him which even he, as a 63 year old imbecile whos back catalogue of comic catastrophes includes being the only human being on Earth to fall from a segway personal transporter and being almost killed by a fucking pretzel, manges to avoid with almost embarassing ease.
You blew it and you know it.
Well done. Enjoy having bags put over your head, pissed on, being dragged around on a dog leash and being stuffed into naked human pyramids for the purposes of the US Marine cores entertainment for the rest of your days.
I hope it was worth it.

Lock N Loll

Its Carol Vodermans last day today

Would be kool if she did something pure mental but I bet she wont.

say aaaaaaaaaayyyiiiiiaaaaa bastard!

Went to the dentist this morning.

Got a jag in the top left and bottom right of my mouth.

Feel like I look like this guy now.

I fucking hate the dentists.

Poor Bobby Robson

Poor Bobby Robson. Fresh from his battle with cancer and left looking like 'Cholla', the leader of the black widows from "every which way but loose" but after the covered in tar scene.

Get well soon Bobby.

Kings of Leon rule

Kings of Leon last night at the SECC was the best gig I've been to since last year when I saw Kings of Leon at the SECC.
Awesome. Simply fucking awesome.
stevo rating - 10 out of 10
Faultless.

New hairdo

I got my hair cut on Saturday and I was reasonably pleased with it until Karen told me that I now look like Craig Revel Horwood.
The gay judge off of strictly come dancing.
I hate it now.

Im the new Imries

This is becoming ridiculous.
Since potatogate reared its ugly head, I keep coming in to ever more random and exciting fruits lying on my desk.
Heres todays bounty. (no pun intended)
Im no sure a coconut will even dry out.
Still, I'll give it a fucking good go.

Blizzards my arse!

There were severe weather warnings for Scotland and the north.
Horror stories of temperatures dropping to -10 in places.
Even a fear of electricity supplies being cut off.
So where's the fucking snow?
Even EK has an alarming lack of snow.
Its just mild and wet here. Again.
SNOW for fuck sake!

The greatest day - Part 1

Would've made a better advert

How many Royal Marine Commandos do you see in this picture?

Is it just me?......

The Horeshoe Inn, Edinburgh.
A popular wee family pub with a beastiality theme.
Check it out.
Whatever part of the horse that guy is holding,
Im not so sure the horse is liking it.

Beards are for homos - FACT

Love Street

I was working at the St Mirren game on Saturday and the only piece of class or skill to report from the afternoon was this beauty.......
Check her out! Parked right outside . I couldnae concentrate on the game properly after I had seen it. I can only assume its one of the players. Rangers and Celtic players take note:
You can only dream of arriving at work in such style.

Miracles

I cannae believe it!
I got my tottie back!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought that was it over. I was never gonna see it again but incredibley, I take Monday off and return on Tuesday to find it in a paper cup on my desk!
The story goes that she was found in the recycling bin. Aye right.
Who gives a shit - She's back!
My desk looks full of life again.
Let natures drying process continue undetered.

PS I had to chuck oot the dragon fruit for fear of my own safety.
What a mess those things make when left unattended.

Hey Zucker!

Wee Carly Zucker got booted off 'Im a celebrity' at the weekend.

I can't help thinking that this could be a good thing for her career .

Before she went in there nobody knew who tha hell she was, just a "WAG" as they kept calling her. But now I think she could be a big household name like that other bird that was on it before that time that was married to that footballer that used to play for some team or other.

Whatsherface?

Mind?

Married to thingway

I rest my fucking case!