Wunch of Bankers

I felt the need to put cyber pen to cyber paper here as I've had just about all I can take of this RBS bashing shit. This non-story is all over the quiet news day media channels.

Yes! They fucked us all over.
Yes! They're still fucking us all over.
Yes! They've forgot to start lending money to small businesses.
Yes! Their share price has plummeted to a new low.
Yes! They hit us with ridiculous charges should we dare overdraw.
Yes! They're a fucking riot if you're ever in one of their Q's.
Yes! They have thee most patronising TV ads EVER!
Yes! They don't give a fuck.
Yes! We own the cunts.

However, Im gonna speak up for the voiceless, hated minority here.
Why do the Great British media / public keep feeling the need to be outraged at the financial operations of the banking sector?
Suddenly everycunt is an economist.
Banks operate and have always operated on a bonus system. It's how they do business and it's in all our interests that this bank does good business. Fuck me, it's our money that they are working towards increasing and if they need to pay the top brass bonuses to give them the drive and impetus to do so then so be it.
By constantly announcing negative consciousness surrounding how they operate in the global banking network is simply destroying any rebuilding work they undertake. Yer man Charlton Hester is only trying to do his job which, as far as i can tell, is to get this ailing giant back on a profitable even keel which benefits us all. Media interference suggesting otherwise simply de-rails that process.

Considering he is batting against such behemoths as HSBC
(who rewarded their director with 3 times the bonus) and Lloyds
(almost 5 times as much) to begrudge him his basic banking benefit
is bordering on fucking stupidity.

Yes they almost brought us all to our knees but surely by collectively bad mouthing our own investment then we are only damaging our own interests?

I'm not a banker, so I'm more than happy to entrust it to the hands of someone who knows what they're fucking doing and I'm pretty sure that's not the super soaraway Scottish Sun or any other easily offended daily brainless angry mob pleasing rag.

Fuck off the lot of you and let the boy have his tiny reward for an ongoing job well done which even now wouldn't buy him bragging rights in a Bond Street coffee shop.

Anyone wanna take me up on any of these points cos I'm right up for it!

Hollywood here I come!

This time tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles.
If anyone's been there and wants to recommend somewhere cool to go please do so.  The rest of you, read it and weep!

Prick of the year nomination list upon my return in a week.
Adios.

Bag for life

All the moons are aligning.
No sooner does the blog return, it appears all the old favourites are queueing up for their long awaited homecoming appearances.

Look who was getting on my bus yesterday.
The one and only, mysteriously illusive Mr R Mutt.
Still sporting a now faded 'Darths old bag'.
For those of you that are unaware of the man, the myth heres a
wee update

Now, I posted the R Mutt saga almost 2 and a half years ago and I threw the now part of folklore bag away almost 2 years prior to that and he is still using it!!!
The man is truly a legend. Nae, an urban legend.
Anyone that takes a bag out of a bin and still has it over their shoulder nearly 5 years on can only be described in those terms.
Either that or tramp.
Maybe it's a cry for help?
I really want to introduce myself to him but am slightly frightened and quite perplexed as to how to approach him.
And what if he hates me?
What if I hate him?
What if we become mortal enemies?
What if we form an unbreakable friendship?
It's just  too much to take in.

Secretly, I feel we are both aware of each other anyway and reciprocate a silent respect for one another so I may just give him a wee nod and a wink next time i see him.

Not sure how I feel about the bag anymore.

Padawan Academy proudly presents.....

It's the start of a brand new year and that means it's awards season.
Which means it's also time for the award to smash all awards -
Darth Carlsbergs Prick of the year award 2012.
It only seems like a short time ago when we all voted for TVs own unlucky in love, totally incomprehensible, manufactured pop star and one time talent show judge and shampoo model Cheryl Cole as last years worthy winner and we've all witnessed how winning the coveted Golden Prick or piqûre d'or can literally be life changing.
Certainly Miss Coles career's changed dramatically since picking it up.

Anyway it's a new year and a new competition so we need some new contenders for this years shortlist and thinking back there has been some real stand out nominees from the last 12 months.
Get your own personal nominations in ASAF so finalists can be compiled and the winner announced and notified thereafter.

Here are a just some of 2011s biggest pricks to get your juices flowing:

Lady Gaga
Charlie Sheen
That fucking Tulissa bitch
Ryan Giggs / John Terry /  Wayne Rooney
Pippa Middleton
David Cameron
Rupert Murdoch
Cheryl Cole
Gordon Strachan
Frankie Coccokehead
Anyone off of the only way is Essex
Rhianna
Colonel Gadaffi
Katie Price
Little mix

Clapped out

I was at a football match recently, as you do, and they had the now customary minutes applause at the start for a past servant of the club who had recently passed away. To me it felt as awkward, stupid and downright wrong as it always does. Im not sure why this phenomenom has crept into our society as a replacement for the traditional miutes silence, where it came from or it's significance.

I believe it started on the continent and was adopted here not for it's nature or style, but because embarrassingly enough, football fans as a breed, are a horrendous bunch who can't keep their own drunken ideals to themselves even during a mark of respect to someone we've lost who actually graced their game. Things were getting so bad  infact that minutes silences were even being cut to 30 seconds such was the fear of it backfiring dramatically and so the minutes applause was reborn.

More the pity if you ask me as nothing made your spine tingle more than a minutes silence in an unbearably tense packed stadium followed by a huge roar of relief, reflection and anticipation.
But as usual we have to maintain the Status Quo.

Well I think if this minute of lukewarm applause was born of necessity, then we should be open to the idea of other interpretations of respect.
I for one would fucking love to see a minutes 'Jazz hands' before a match. That would seriously do it for me.
Just imagine how cool that would look.

So, what I'm proposing is some suggestions to replace the minutes appplause.The more ridiculous the better.
A minutes laughter for example. That would be a riot.
The top ideas will receive a prize* and be put to the old firm die hards on their respective online fans forums by way of merriment making and we shall see how they react to a situation that quite frankly, I believe they have brought about.

Begin......


*prize may not exist

Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! - Off! Off! Off!

So who has seen the much talked about 'Iron Lady' then?
If you want my advice, give it a serious bodyswerve.
It's nowhere near as good as 'Iron Man'.

Bigger, better, fatter, harder

Well hello strangers.
Firstly, I should apologise for not posting anything in bloody ages!
If anyone actually cares, I have no excuse to give. I simply lost focus slightly and amazingly never seemed to have the time to update my random ramblings and rantings.
That and facebook it has to be said.
Its the real culprit here.
The real shame is that last year was literally thee best year ever for stuff to talk about. So many monumental things happened it got quite surreal at times.

Amongst all the headlines, 2011 was the year that:

Japan was practically  washed away
Charlie Sheen lived up to his name
A bloke in Norway went fucking crazy
I got kicked off and let back on facebook
A naked guy went mental in my street
I could no longer get the News of the world
Wullie and Kathy got married - I was there
The Arab spring turned out not to be mineral water
The mouse returned to rule the roost in my house
(he's still here)
In the case of Michael Jacksons death - the black guy was guilty
Londoners got fed up and fucking wrecked the place
The bird that sexually killed the other bird in Italy got let off
Hurricane Bawbag was born
Wee Gamu was finally allowed to stay here - Thank god for that!

But I still think THIS was my favourite headline of the year.

A few folk passed away in 2011 too.
Too many to mention obviously but lets not forget we lost:

Jimll Saville
Hightower off of Police Academy 1-6 (not 7 strangely enough?)
Betty Ford - (natural causes apparently)
Jack 'assisted suicide' Kevorkian - Irony anyone?
Heavy D off of Heavy D and the boys
(apparently the boys were inconsolable)
Amy Winehouse - Hats off for not dragging it out any longer.
(Keith Richards take note)
And of course Big Al Megrahis mate Muammar Gadaffi

Anyway, new year new you and all that.
This year I intend to get totally focused again.
Im gonna start ranting on here and not on facebook.
Im gonna get rid of my unsightly beer belly.
Im gonna get married.
Im gonna move house.
Im gonna be the man.
Baby steps right enough.
Anyhow, happy new year y'all it's good to be back.
Lets do this again real soon.

Anyone else have any resolutions they wanna add?

Intermission

We apologise for the prolonged break in transmission.
Normal service will resume shortly.
honest.

True love

Following the hugely public disaster that was 'the male sex test',
public opinion has demanded a sex test for the ladies.
Knowing the fairer species as well as I do and knowing there drive to delude a desire for all things LOVETM,
I have devised a full proof test of that LOVETM.

Take the test below and see how you fair on the LOVEometer.TM
(Disclaimer - may not oficially prove LOVETM)

PS: I tried this on Mrs Carlsberg and the jury is still out.

TAKE THE TEST

Men only

Scientific sexual case study and hypothesis:
Please watch the video and choose carefully.
(double click for full screen pleasure & no 16:9 issues)

Accurate answers posted below.



MOSTLY A's

MOSTLY B's

MOSTLY C's

BIT OF EVERYTHING