Arab spring time

click here: Lest we forget

Controversial as ever

Ladies and gentleman, it gives me enormous pleasure to announce this years POTY winner for 2011.

This years nominees were all there on merit and in a way are all this years biggest pricks. However, there can only be one winner of the much coveted piqûre d'or and this years winner joins a list of pioneer pricks that will always be remebered.

This year we saw a monstrous dogfight which saw the TOWIE personnel take on the might of the ubiquitous Gordon Strachan, This tense battle of the behemoths went excitingly right to the wire. It was at this wire that I, as chief adjudicator, decided that the only way to separate these two, clearly separate entities, was to award the title this year to fucking Tulisa!

After a recount and several stewards enquiries, it would appear, that, in a truly topical twist, I am infact the sole creditor to the POTY brand and all its trappings and therefore any attempt to challenge the decision will prove an empty an fruitless gesture.
So, with all that said, lets congratulate our winner in true padawan style. Comments gratefully received.

Being so jumped up and all 'new media sweetheart', Miss Contostavlos would appear to have only a twitter account that is apparently beyond sabotage.
However, she has a myriad of delusionable followers all only too keen to spread the word of the shockingly sold out greek / freak midden all whilst leaving themselves open to question.
It is to them that we pay homage.


THE WINNER


Congratulations fucking Tulisa.
Welcome to the club. 
DC x

February 10th be with you

It was my birthday recently.
I got this bad boy from my sister.
Awesome or what?
Thoughts?

I imagine this post will receive the usual NAE comments but fuck y'all, at the end of it, I will still have the jumper!
Git it up ye! x

(PS Im SO not 40!)

Ni Night

My accomplice lies still and fast asleep
snoring hard and dreaming deep
of swords and trains and pirate neighbours
and ice cream stirred with cool lightsabres.  
As our adventures finally take their toll
and lead me to what was my original goal
of peace and calm and a cool serenity
yet still I feel you’ve kinda left me
hanging here with no real purpose
although glowing inside and on the surface
with bed time story still content on your face
that’s carried you off to that enviable place
of rest as you lie beneath your blanket hot
occasionally turning to warm what’s not
as again the night has ended our play
but fear not, we’ll return another day
for more swashbuckling, mind tricks and jolly japes
and sword fights, laughs and wrestling scrapes.
Where good must prevail and battles need fought
and the helicopter must land on the garage ‘H spot’
as paper needs painted, obliterated and torn
while cowboy hats must always be worn.
Still the jedis amass at the foot of the bed
awaiting instruction from Woody, their head.
Where beach balls are thrown and headed with force
that’s hilarious when it bounces off dad of course.
So I look around now at your bedroom in tatters
and applaud you for making me realise what matters
And wiping the sleeping sweat from your brow
Im amazed to hear myself thinking somehow
that though tomorrow is all that I’m waiting for
Im happy right now right now to wait a bit more.

DAD x

False idols

Today I met a famous Scottish poet.
She is Scotlands very own rhyming representative. 
Now, if you're into your poetry / playwrites then this is a pretty big deal.
She's like the of the David Beckham of the Scottish poetry world.
However, she is also a miserable old bastard!.

Today she had an absolute haemo because she couldn't find the building that we were waiting for her in and when she finally got there and entered the studio, she blew up at everyone present because of that and instantly sucked all the energy out of the room and simultaneously any of the enthusiasm for the project that we had.
Totally fucking finished the shoot before it had even started.

I felt most sorry for the client, who had booked her on the back of an inspirational speech she gave at her university when she was younger and  who was now left almost distraught with disillusion.
Totally nippy, bitter, old fanny who I hope I never have the misfortune to cross paths with again.

Well Lizzie, just for you, I've penned a small ditty in your honour.
I hope you as the poetry princess approve.

There once was a poet called Lochead,

Who turned out to be a bit of a cock head,

She got lost on her travels,

Her cool totally unravelled,

Maybe the cantankerous old old bitch will be shot dead

Anyone else ever met someone remotely famous only to be left bitterly and  horribly disappointed?

False economy

After little deliberation, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a bargain anymore and anyone that says otherwise is either a liar or an imbecile.

You always hear 'pub stories' of how someones friend of a friend managed to get his hands on some once in a lifetime opportunity that even he (and frankly I) couldn't believe, yet you never EVER see any proof of this fable and it simply settles into the sediment of never ending drunken folklore.

I dunno when I can honestly say I last thought i picked up a bargain.
I don't mean those BOGOF offers in supermarkets on scampi and other such sundries that are neither essential to nor enrich life in any way shape or form but an actual jaw dropping, tell the world bargain!

Said supermarkets do pretend to offer so called contracts of compromise by way of their "quick sale - still fresh" shelves but if like me, you've ever been misfortunate enough to have  ventured anywhere near that rack of ruin, (if you can even get past the smelly old people who still have faith in the theatrics and dramatics of 'bargain')
you'll know that a greater smorgasbord of shite does not exist.
4 or 5 shelves usually graced with  a few half pint cartons of skimmed milk, some economy cooked meat, 24 packs of small kids yoghurts, some sort of breaded egg thing and some weird loose fish you've never heard of. All reaching their sell by date in the next few hours!
Utterly pointless, utterly shite.

I've recently noticed this deals of deception diversion manifest itself in IKEA of all places. They too now have a reduced to clear section. Although why anyone would want a:
"coffee table - was £85 - now £21
reason - missing leg" or
 "Wardobe - was £180 - now £41 
- reason - nae door and all scratched to fuck"
is beyond me.

Granted, the internet does indeed throw open a whole new world of financial mismatches through ebay and other such tools of deceit but not per say 'actual' bargains.
It just doesn't happen anymore. Period.
The worlds become a luckless lie and they're all in on it bar us.
Here endeth the rant.

For more ranting, why not send me your bank account number, sort code, card number and pin and take advantage of DCs all new online 'moanandgroanagrams'.
Currently at the special price of 2 for a pound or 4 for a fiver.

Full on election

The nominees for this years Piqûre d'or are in.
Please cast your vote for your winner in the poll opposite.
Once the votes are are all in, counted, verified and double checked to make sure Gav hasn't cheated again, the winner will be informed of their victory in what ever way possible.
It's as private a ballot as you want it to be but you can post a comment if you wish telling us who you voted for and why.
I don't mind telling you that yon N-Dubz / X factor gonk Tulissa is getting my vote. The fucking annoying bitch.


May the biggest Prick win.

Houston we have a problem

Again, the general public never cease to amaze me when it comes to their ability of being so easily offended.  As with Jim'll Saville, Sick Mick Jackson and Amy Winehouse to name but a few in recent times, the outrage displayed should anyone wish to find fun in the absurd situation of a celebrity death is quite simply staggering.
I've gotta say I didn't see too many Whitney fans intervening when she started on a slow downward spiral to her ultimate doom did you? Although it has to be said that even Gavin from Autoglass would struggle to help her with her crack problem.

As with most of us, I didn't personally know any of these celebrity figures and I'm fully aware that they are someones loved ones and I fully respect their loss and grief. However, if these individuals choose to live their lives in the public eye and live a good life of off the publics pocket then Im afraid they have to run the gauntlet of public opinion. And sadly that's not exclusive to the tame and tended section that are free of rational thoughts of there own.
Hell, that's why I've chosen not to be a celebrity.
Be a fucking field day of jokes if I was found deid in the bath!

I say there is nothing like a good celebrity death to get the minds creative juices flowing and spark thought provoking debate and finger poking fun at the ludicrous monster we've created  that is 'CELEBRITY!'

CELEBRITIES - There for our pleasure in life and death
GENERAL PUBLIC - Offended by everything, ashamed of nothing.


Anyone know any good jokes?

Wunch of Bankers

I felt the need to put cyber pen to cyber paper here as I've had just about all I can take of this RBS bashing shit. This non-story is all over the quiet news day media channels.

Yes! They fucked us all over.
Yes! They're still fucking us all over.
Yes! They've forgot to start lending money to small businesses.
Yes! Their share price has plummeted to a new low.
Yes! They hit us with ridiculous charges should we dare overdraw.
Yes! They're a fucking riot if you're ever in one of their Q's.
Yes! They have thee most patronising TV ads EVER!
Yes! They don't give a fuck.
Yes! We own the cunts.

However, Im gonna speak up for the voiceless, hated minority here.
Why do the Great British media / public keep feeling the need to be outraged at the financial operations of the banking sector?
Suddenly everycunt is an economist.
Banks operate and have always operated on a bonus system. It's how they do business and it's in all our interests that this bank does good business. Fuck me, it's our money that they are working towards increasing and if they need to pay the top brass bonuses to give them the drive and impetus to do so then so be it.
By constantly announcing negative consciousness surrounding how they operate in the global banking network is simply destroying any rebuilding work they undertake. Yer man Charlton Hester is only trying to do his job which, as far as i can tell, is to get this ailing giant back on a profitable even keel which benefits us all. Media interference suggesting otherwise simply de-rails that process.

Considering he is batting against such behemoths as HSBC
(who rewarded their director with 3 times the bonus) and Lloyds
(almost 5 times as much) to begrudge him his basic banking benefit
is bordering on fucking stupidity.

Yes they almost brought us all to our knees but surely by collectively bad mouthing our own investment then we are only damaging our own interests?

I'm not a banker, so I'm more than happy to entrust it to the hands of someone who knows what they're fucking doing and I'm pretty sure that's not the super soaraway Scottish Sun or any other easily offended daily brainless angry mob pleasing rag.

Fuck off the lot of you and let the boy have his tiny reward for an ongoing job well done which even now wouldn't buy him bragging rights in a Bond Street coffee shop.

Anyone wanna take me up on any of these points cos I'm right up for it!

Hollywood here I come!

This time tomorrow I will be in Los Angeles.
If anyone's been there and wants to recommend somewhere cool to go please do so.  The rest of you, read it and weep!

Prick of the year nomination list upon my return in a week.
Adios.